Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
