I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
