I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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