you guys were way drunker than both of me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
