The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
