I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
