guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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