His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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