oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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