Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
