I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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