Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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