I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
