3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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