we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
