I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
