I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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