I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
