i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
