i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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