oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
