Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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