Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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