Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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