im six kinds of drunk right now
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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