Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I stole a fireplace last night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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