i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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