He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Are we still banned from the library?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
