Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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