Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
