...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
