The maid of honor just puked.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
