I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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