i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
