You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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