so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
