I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
