Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
time to smoke my breakfast
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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