You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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