I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
