It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
