i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
