Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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