Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
What drink are we having for lunch?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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