I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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