Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
