im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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