just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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