my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
