i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
