so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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