I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
